“Rev. Haijime said something very sad; he said that human beings are really selfish animals, but that they want to dream of perfection. When they speak hatred and evil they are dreaming of perfection. He concluded that I should remember what he said to me when he saw me first, “Be very careful or we will break your heart.”
We can quite easily misunderstand perfection. When seen through the eye of dualism, perfection, or I idea of it, becomes skewed. It’s more what we think it might be. It is seen through our personal prism. We can mistake seeing clearly for our wants and desires. Our sense of perfection can masquerade as a certainty of truth. When we believe that what we see is how it is, that is ‘dreaming of perfection’.
In the general run of things, to help us understand the world and by extension ourselves we turn to relying on on a set of known equations which by their very nature are limited. This leads to a mistaking of perfection for idealism. When we stick with the idealistic point of view and not understand the ever changing nature of the skandhas our hearts can be broken. In Buddhist practice it is said that the first thing to go is idealism. This was certainly in my own case. To hold on can lead to a sort of despair and possibly a distrust of the practice. We want practice and and our lives to play out in a certain way and when this is not the case we can turn away.
In the ‘Goose’ Rev. Master Jiyu goes through one heck of a lot. Her patience was tested to the extreme as was the trust in the Master/ disiple relationship. It is noticeable early on in the diaries that she looks outward, (understanderbly), and blames all sorts of things for the pain she is feeling. Slowly she sees that the cause is not to be found there. This insight doesn’t make it easier, yet she sees the need to look to her self if suffering is to lessen. When we find for ourselves what it is we truly are then we are closer to knowing the perfection that is being alluded to. To ‘speak hatred and evil and dream of perfection‘ is to believe that we are correct, misunderstand impermanance and act as if there is no cause and effect.
In a way I am writing about sincerity. When seen from this aspect the above sentence is clearer. I was once told that it is possible to be too sincere. This left me scratching my head at the time but later events helped me to see the wisdom in this. It can produce a blinkered way of training, which in turn is a closing down. We think and believe we are doing good but really have shut down and haven’t remained open to the possibilty of change. What is the refuge? If we can stay open it can truly reveal itself.
The diary entry and subsequent repeats in italics are from the ‘The Wild White Goose, the diary of a female Zen Priest’, by Rev. Roshi P.T.N.H. Jiyu – Kennett. Shasta Abbey Press.